Divorce: The First Steps You Need to Take

Christy Kane
Jan 2
4 min read

Divorce is a storm. It tests your mind, body, and heart. Knowing where to start can save years of pain. Here’s what you need to know, from a therapist’s perspective.

The First Step: Ground Yourself

The first thing to do if you want a divorce is to get clear about your intentions.

Divorce isn’t a single act—it’s a process. Decide what you need: safety, space, clarity, or legal protection. Make a list of your priorities: children, finances, mental health. The act of writing it down creates distance from emotional chaos and brings clarity.

Don’t act immediately.

Don’t announce your intentions yet.

Observe.

Collect your thoughts.

Divorce is a legal, emotional, and logistical procedure.

Acting without clarity will make the process longer and harder.

Start Therapy Early

Therapy is not optional. It’s your lifeline.

Start before you file, not after the legal papers arrive.

Divorce triggers grief, anger, guilt, and fear. Processing these emotions early protects you from reactive decisions. Therapy helps you:

Set boundaries
Prepare emotionally
Strengthen communication
Maintain perspective

If your ex refuses therapy, it is not a roadblock—it’s an opportunity. Therapy is about your growth, not theirs. You cannot control their willingness to participate. Focus on yourself. Learn strategies to handle conflict, co-parenting, and emotional triggers without their cooperation.

Preparing for Divorce: Emotional and Practical Steps

Divorce is more than paperwork. Preparation is key.

Emotional preparation:

Track your emotions. Journaling daily helps you see patterns and triggers.
Build a support system. Trusted friends, family, or support groups reduce isolation.
Learn to manage conflict. Your ability to remain calm and strategic shapes the process.

Practical preparation:

Gather financial records. Tax returns, bank statements, pay stubs, retirement accounts.
Document assets and debts. Include shared property, loans, and credit card balances.
Know your budget. Understand your expenses now and after divorce.
Understand custody and visitation rules. Know what local laws say about children.
Consider temporary arrangements. Who will live where? How will bills be paid?

Preparation is power. The less reactive you are, the more control you retain.

How to Start a Divorce: Legal First Moves

The best way to start a divorce is strategically and legally informed. Filing without preparation can backfire.

Consult an attorney first. Even a short consultation clarifies rights and responsibilities.
Avoid social media. Anything you post may be used against you.
Decide on the type of divorce: contested or uncontested. Contested divorces involve disputes; uncontested is mutual. Aim for uncontested if possible—less conflict, less cost.
File paperwork when ready. Ensure your documents are complete and accurate. Filing too soon or without preparation increases stress and risk.

Protecting Yourself During the Process

Divorce exposes vulnerabilities.

Protect your mental, emotional, and financial health:

Set clear boundaries with your ex. Limit communication to necessary topics.
Keep records of interactions, agreements, and conflicts. Documentation matters.
Prioritize mental health. Continue therapy, mindfulness practices, and stress management.
Understand that control is limited. You cannot predict outcomes, only manage your reactions.

Therapy When Your Ex Refuses

Your ex refusing therapy is common. You cannot force participation. Accept it. Focus on what you can control:

Your responses
Your stress management
Your ability to communicate effectively
Your emotional processing

Therapy is your advantage.

Learn conflict de-escalation techniques, self-soothing, and decision-making skills. Therapy also prepares you for custody battles, property disputes, or difficult conversations without losing composure.

Timing: When to Act

Timing matters. Start therapy immediately. Begin gathering documents now. Only file when your plan is clear. Acting impulsively increases conflict, prolongs emotional suffering, and risks financial mistakes.

Your timeline should prioritize safety, clarity, and preparation over speed. Emotional readiness and strategic planning outweigh rushing.

The First Conversation

If you plan to tell your ex, do it with intention. Avoid anger. Avoid blame. Keep it factual and brief. Prepare:

Where you will talk
What you will say
How you will respond to pushback

Never engage in conflict while announcing a divorce. Stay calm. If it escalates, pause the conversation and resume with boundaries.

Managing Emotional Fallout

Divorce triggers grief, anger, relief, fear, and guilt. These emotions are normal. Therapy helps you process them without acting out destructively. Avoid doom-scrolling social media; it amplifies anxiety. Focus on self-care, routines, and supportive people.

Protecting Children and Co-Parenting

If children are involved, your priority shifts. They need stability, clear boundaries, and reassurance. Protect them from conflict. Decide on schedules, routines, and communication rules in advance. Avoid involving them in disputes. Your calm sets the tone for their adjustment.

Avoid Common Pitfalls

Don’t move out impulsively. Temporary housing decisions affect custody and finances.
Don’t overshare online. Social media posts are evidence.
Don’t neglect your mental health. Therapy is non-negotiable.
Don’t assume the other party will cooperate. Prepare for resistance.

Final Steps Before Filing

Before filing, make sure you have:

Therapy in place
Financial records organized
A support system ready
Boundaries established with your ex
Legal consultation completed

Filing without these steps is like jumping into a storm without a life vest. Preparation reduces risk, conflict, and emotional damage.

Starting Strong: Your Mindset

Divorce is a marathon. Treat it like one. Keep focus, protect yourself, and commit to your emotional growth. You cannot control outcomes, only your choices. The first steps you take define your journey. Calm, preparation, and clarity give you power in chaos.

Your Action Plan

Ground yourself and clarify intentions.
Start therapy immediately.
Gather financial and legal documents.
Build a support system.
Plan boundaries and communication.
Consult an attorney.
Decide on type of divorce and filing timing.
Prepare for children and co-parenting.
Protect your mental and emotional health.

Every step is deliberate. Every choice matters. Divorce isn’t just legal—it’s personal, emotional, and strategic. The earlier you act thoughtfully, the less destructive the process becomes.

Disclaimer: This article is for educational purposes only. It is not legal advice, a substitute for professional mental health services, or a replacement for therapy or legal consultation. Always consult qualified professionals for guidance specific to your situation.