What Is the Hardest Year of Marriage? And the #1 Thing That Destroys It

Christy Kane
Oct 19
3 min read

Let’s cut to the chase: marriage is hard. Really hard. You don’t walk in with rose-colored glasses and “happily ever after” and suddenly discover your spouse leaves socks on the floor like a crime scene.

Somewhere along the way, you hit a year that punches you in the gut and makes you question every life choice.

Here’s what therapists see as the hardest year—and the #1 thing that destroys marriages.

The Hardest Year of Marriage: It’s Not a Guess

You’ve probably heard people say, “The first year is the honeymoon killer,” or “Year seven is the one that gets everyone.”

Here’s the truth:

Year One: Exhaustion, sleep deprivation, and discovering your spouse’s “quirks” are permanent. Adjustment is the goal.

Year Three: The “pretend phase” is over. Arguments emerge over dishwashers, thermostats, and ketchup placement.

Year Seven: Divorce filings spike. Routine, boredom, and midlife reflection create conflict.

Year Ten: Midlife crises, parenting stress, and existential dread sneak in.

Therapist takeaway: Years three to seven are often the roughest. Romance fades, stress rises, and communication—or lack thereof—defines the relationship.

Why It Gets Hard

Marriage is like owning a house.

At first, everything is shiny.

Then the plumbing breaks, paint peels, and you argue over HOA fines.

Hard years hit when:

You realize your spouse won’t change
Life stress ramps up—kids, work, finances
Communication fails (e.g., saying “fine” when you’re not fine)

Basically: the honeymoon is over. Real life is exhausting.

The #1 Thing That Destroys Marriages

Drumroll: poor communication.

Cheating, finances, kids—they’re usually symptoms. The root cause is not being honest about what you need and how you feel.

Examples:

Sulking instead of saying you’re mad
Expecting help around the house without asking
Arguing about money when it’s really about feeling unheard

Want to destroy a marriage fast? Ignore communication and expect your partner to mind-read.

Works every time.

How Communication Fails

Passive-aggressive messaging: “I guess I’ll just do it myself, again.”
Avoidance: Pretending everything is fine until a small issue explodes.
Criticism disguised as honesty: “I’m just being honest!” Translation: emotional hurt under the guise of truth.

Sound familiar? Most couples hit this wall. It feels safer to be sarcastic than vulnerable.

How to Survive the Hardest Year

1. Talk. For real.

Not passive-aggressive texts. Express your needs. Listen. “Fine” is not acceptable.

2. Accept imperfection.

Your spouse is human. You’re human. Lower expectations enough to breathe, not to tolerate abuse.

3. Seek help early.

Couples therapy is for small sparks, not full-blown fires. Learn constructive fighting, expressing needs, and repairing connection.

4. Make time for fun.

Stress kills romance. Date nights, laughter, shared memories—not just bills and laundry—are essential.

5. Recognize patterns.

Notice recurring arguments. Ask: “Why are we arguing about this again?” Patterns reveal unmet needs and broken communication.

The Brutal Reality

No one is immune. The “hardest year” can appear at any time. Life stress, personality clashes, and unmet expectations accumulate.

Most marriages survive if:

You communicate honestly
You don’t let resentment fester
You seek help early

Ignoring the signs and hoping for a miracle? That’s how marriages implode quietly.

Red Flags That Need Attention

Some fights are normal. Some signals are urgent:

Constant criticism or contempt
Stonewalling (shutting down during arguments)
Disinterest in intimacy or emotional connection
Feeling unsafe—emotionally or physically

These aren’t rough patches—they’re warning lights. Therapy, boundaries, or reevaluating the relationship may be necessary.

Why Humor Helps

Laughing (even sarcastically) at arguing over trash duty gives perspective. Humor diffuses tension and reminds you that you’re on the same team. Can’t laugh? Therapy helps you find ways to lighten the load without dismissing feelings.