The Four Behaviors That Cause 90% of Divorces
- Christy Kane
- Nov 22, 2025
- 4 min read
Divorce statistics are harsh but clear: most marriages fail for predictable reasons. According to research and years of clinical experience, four behaviors account for roughly 90% of divorces.
Understanding these behaviors isn’t about fear—it’s about prevention. Recognizing them early gives couples the chance to course-correct before the damage becomes irreparable.
1. Criticism
Criticism is more than a passing comment about dishes in the sink or leaving socks on the floor. It’s attacking your partner’s character instead of addressing a behavior.
Example:
“You’re so lazy; you never help around the house.”
“You’re selfish for thinking about your career instead of the kids.”
Why it destroys marriages:
Creates defensiveness and resentment
Escalates minor frustrations into major conflicts
Reduces emotional intimacy over time
Therapist insight: Replace criticism with “I” statements. Focus on your feelings, not your partner’s flaws:
Instead of: “You’re lazy,” say: “I feel overwhelmed when chores pile up. Can we divide them differently?”
Quick tip: Notice every time your mind jumps to blame. Pause, reframe, and communicate the feeling, not the flaw.
2. Contempt
Contempt is criticism on steroids. It’s mocking, sarcasm, eye-rolling, or disdain. Contempt communicates superiority, disrespect, and disgust.
Examples:
Sneering comments: “Oh, you finally decided to show up?”
Sarcastic remarks disguised as humor
Mocking tone or gestures
Why it destroys marriages:
Contempt is the #1 predictor of divorce in longitudinal studies
It erodes trust and connection faster than any other behavior
Emotional injury accumulates, creating a toxic environment
Therapist insight: Replace contempt with respectful curiosity:
Ask questions instead of mocking: “Can you tell me why this was important to you?”
Assume good intent unless proven otherwise
Quick tip: If you catch yourself rolling your eyes or sighing in disgust, stop. Take a deep breath and ask: “Am I communicating curiosity or contempt?”
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is your automatic reaction to protect your ego instead of listening. It often looks like counter-attacks, excuses, or denial.
Examples:
“It’s not my fault you’re stressed.”
“You’re overreacting; I didn’t mean it like that.”
Shutting down completely during a disagreement
Why it destroys marriages:
Blocks understanding and resolution
Turns small issues into power struggles
Creates emotional distance
Therapist insight: Replace defensiveness with ownership and curiosity:
Acknowledge your role: “I see how that upset you, and I want to understand more.”
Ask clarifying questions instead of defending: “Can you tell me what you need right now?”
Quick tip: When you feel the urge to defend, pause and breathe. Respond to the feeling, not the attack.
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling is shutting down, withdrawing, or giving the silent treatment. It often appears in long-term conflicts where one partner feels flooded or overwhelmed.
Examples:
Walking out of an argument
Refusing to talk for hours or days
Avoiding emotional or logistical discussions entirely
Why it destroys marriages:
Prevents conflict resolution
Increases frustration for the other partner
Creates emotional isolation
Therapist insight: Replace stonewalling with regulated engagement:
Take a brief timeout when emotions are high, but set a return time: “I need 20 minutes to calm down, then we’ll continue.”
Practice self-soothing: deep breathing, grounding exercises, journaling
Communicate your need for space without shutting the other out
Quick tip: Stonewalling is a silent marriage killer. The longer you withdraw, the deeper the emotional distance. Pause, regulate, and re-engage intentionally.
Why These Four Behaviors Are Lethal
These behaviors don’t operate in isolation.
They often feed into each other:
Criticism triggers defensiveness
Defensiveness escalates contempt
Contempt leads to stonewalling
Left unchecked, they create a negative cycle that erodes intimacy, trust, and connection. Researchers call this the “Four Horsemen” of divorce because their presence almost guarantees relational decline.
Therapist insight: Awareness is the first step. Most couples don’t realize how often these behaviors dominate their interactions. Tracking them over a week or two can reveal patterns that feel invisible in the moment.
Breaking the Cycle
Awareness isn’t enough. Couples must replace these behaviors with healthier alternatives:
Negative Behavior | Positive Replacement |
Criticism | “I” statements / focus on feelings |
Contempt | Respectful curiosity / assume good intent |
Defensiveness | Ownership / ask clarifying questions |
Stonewalling | Timeouts with return / self-soothing techniques |
Practical steps:
Track your interactions for one week. Note every criticism, contemptuous remark, defensive reaction, and stonewalling episode.
Discuss patterns with your partner without blaming.
Practice replacing one negative behavior at a time.
Celebrate small wins. Change is slow but cumulative.
Prevention Is Everything
Couples who survive and thrive rarely avoid conflict—they manage it effectively. Recognizing and interrupting these four behaviors early dramatically reduces the risk of divorce.
Daily habits that help:
Check your tone before speaking.
Ask your partner what they need instead of assuming.
Pause before reacting to triggers.
Practice gratitude and appreciation to counterbalance negativity.
Therapist insight: The goal isn’t a perfect marriage—it’s a functional, resilient, connected partnership. Small, consistent behavior changes outweigh grand gestures or weekend “fixes.”
When to Seek Help
Even aware couples benefit from professional guidance.
Consider therapy when:
These four behaviors dominate interactions more than half the time
Arguments escalate without resolution
Emotional distance increases despite effort
You feel stuck in repetitive negative cycles
Therapists help couples:
Identify triggers
Learn communication techniques
Rebuild connection and trust
Interrupt negative cycles before they cause irreparable harm
Key Takeaways
Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling account for 90% of divorces.
These behaviors are often interconnected, creating destructive cycles.
Awareness alone isn’t enough—replace negative patterns with positive communication and coping strategies.
Small, consistent actions prevent escalation and strengthen intimacy.
Professional support accelerates change and reduces the risk of divorce.
Bottom line: The Four Horsemen are not fate—they’re signals. Spot them early, intervene, and your marriage has a chance to thrive rather than survive.